9 Months Later

So  9 months have passed since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I wish I could’ve tracked my progress (or possible regression) a little better. I don’t know why I haven’t touched a keyboard in so long… maybe apart of me was scared to see exactly what would come out of being so openly blatant with myself. I often am too honest with myself whenever I write. Is there such a thing as being too honest? Are there some things I need to conceal from myself in order to not go back to that dark place I was in just a few months ago?

Anyways… Here’s where I am now. I’m sitting at a desk in a corporate office job. It’s quite possibly the best corporate job I’ve ever had. I actually enjoy getting up every morning. Or could it be the meds I’m on numbing my sensitivity to how I really feel about sitting at a desk 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, to earn a paycheck in order to sustain a way of life I honestly couldn’t give two shits about? I mean in my head it all makes sense. I SHOULD be angry I’m not aspiring to what I want to be. It should crush my soul as it always has. In my head it does hurt, but the way I feel is sort of just… okay. I don’t feel the immense amount of anxiety and confusion I once felt before being medicated. Even sitting here writing this, reminding myself of all the things I was supposed to do but never did doesn’t really phase me anymore. Am I just growing up or am I just being sedated enough to get through something I’d never in a million years want, or even choose for myself?

Where does it stop and where does it begin? This toxic cycle of “this is the standard, I must being doing the right thing” and “this is the standard but following it does not satisfy my soul. I won’t do it.”

I guess I’m still battling the same demons I’ve been battling. I’m just a little less emotional and more analytical. Is this what feeling normal is like? I think I’m okay with that. But now the real question is, will I follow through with something I’ve always wanted to do with my life, or will I stay in a place where I’m kind of just “okay” with how things are? I know and feel deep in my heart that if I don’t chase after my dreams, these medications will someday no longer be able to help me suppress how I know I really feel about my life. I’m so glad that now I can cope better and think a little clearer, but I know it won’t be forever. One day I’ll awake and realize what a huge disappointment I am to myself if I don’t do what I know I was created to do. If I don’t follow my dreams and at least try, I’ll spend my life wondering what if, and THAT will truly be the end of my contentment. I will resent myself forever.

So it is, the juggling of my emotions, responsibilities and dreams all up in the air. Where this journey might take me, I don’t know. Since I’m equipped to better manage my emotions and thoughts (for now at least), I’ll use the time I have wisely to begin another journey in which I follow my dreams.

 

 

 

Bound

The moment I heard his voice suddenly the sky opened up and showed me an entity my eyes fixated on, time stopped. He permeated through my body piercing my heart and soul. Passing through creating a cathartic phenomenon within me inexplicably intertwining our stardust complex, so divine. 

Xo,

JG

All Love Lost

Have you ever had someone come into your life and for a moment you can’t breathe? You lose all control of your thoughts, you sweat, and your heart feels the size of a melon at the rate it’s beating and pumping blood. Then suddenly they’re gone and you’re left picking up all the pieces you wanted nothing to do with it in the first place. Then you resent the idea of love and of having a heart. You wish that person had never come into your life because they left you in such a broken state. You hate them for it but at the same time you want them to come back and tell you they’ve been a fool and want to ease the aching in your heart. But that doesn’t happen in reality. You’ll always be left picking up the pieces. You’ll always have to let time pass in order to lose that aching in your heart. All the time it takes to have that pain pass, and then one day he just shows up at your door again. What am I to do then? All of the feelings come rushing back and suddenly I’m left standing there falling in love all over again. In that moment, you can never predict what will happen next. You either let it play out or you turn your back on the person who turned their back on you. Or you could just never pick up the phone and answer the calls. You could just do nothing at all, because the possibility of feeling that pain could kill you.

yours forever,

J

Day 5 -Two Weeks

Today I’m feeling better than I have been in awhile. I’m going to see therapist weekly and he’s putting me on new meds. We’re very optimistic that this new medication along with therapy will be just what I need to get on the road to recovery. I’ve been on these new anti-psychotics for about a week now and I’m slowly seeing a change. My thoughts no longer race and I haven’t had a manic episode. Things are looking up.

It’s a gloomy day today. Usually gloomy days fill me with a sense of hopelessness but today… It’s just a gloomy day and all I want to do is drink hot cocoa and watch movies. Is this what it feels like to be normal? I don’t know what normal is… but whatever is happening here seems to be keeping me stable. Or am I becoming numb? When you’ve gone so long being ill and being an emotional wreck with erratic and impulsive behavior… It’s hard to tell what normal is because you’ve never known normal.

I’m just trying to hang on. I’m trying to be optimistic.

Yours truly,

J

Day 4 – Feeling so small

Just when I think I’m getting back on me feet, I fall back into the worst habit I’ve ever had. This is the only way I feel I can fully atone for my wrong doings. As the river of blood flows down my arm, mistakes I’ve made that I cleanse my body of are set free. The pain is a small price to pay… Because when the river finally runs dry, I’m able to breathe again. 

Someone please help me. Tell me it gets better. I hate hurting the ones I love when that was never my intention at all. No matter what I do, and what good intentions I have, to some people I’ll always be what I was and not who I’m becoming. 

I wish I could erase my past. Who I was is not who I am today. But it seems the hardest habit to kick that I’m still left battling… Is the one in which I constantly feel the need to punish myself. In my head I hear “you chose to make those mistakes. You can’t blame people for thinking you’re still anything other than what they’ve known you as. It’s all your fault. You need to atone for your mistakes. So bleed. Feel the pain that you’ve afflicted upon others.”

I take a step forward, and then two steps back. 

Someone please save me from myself.