So 9 months have passed since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I wish I could’ve tracked my progress (or possible regression) a little better. I don’t know why I haven’t touched a keyboard in so long… maybe apart of me was scared to see exactly what would come out of being so openly blatant with myself. I often am too honest with myself whenever I write. Is there such a thing as being too honest? Are there some things I need to conceal from myself in order to not go back to that dark place I was in just a few months ago?
Anyways… Here’s where I am now. I’m sitting at a desk in a corporate office job. It’s quite possibly the best corporate job I’ve ever had. I actually enjoy getting up every morning. Or could it be the meds I’m on numbing my sensitivity to how I really feel about sitting at a desk 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, to earn a paycheck in order to sustain a way of life I honestly couldn’t give two shits about? I mean in my head it all makes sense. I SHOULD be angry I’m not aspiring to what I want to be. It should crush my soul as it always has. In my head it does hurt, but the way I feel is sort of just… okay. I don’t feel the immense amount of anxiety and confusion I once felt before being medicated. Even sitting here writing this, reminding myself of all the things I was supposed to do but never did doesn’t really phase me anymore. Am I just growing up or am I just being sedated enough to get through something I’d never in a million years want, or even choose for myself?
Where does it stop and where does it begin? This toxic cycle of “this is the standard, I must being doing the right thing” and “this is the standard but following it does not satisfy my soul. I won’t do it.”
I guess I’m still battling the same demons I’ve been battling. I’m just a little less emotional and more analytical. Is this what feeling normal is like? I think I’m okay with that. But now the real question is, will I follow through with something I’ve always wanted to do with my life, or will I stay in a place where I’m kind of just “okay” with how things are? I know and feel deep in my heart that if I don’t chase after my dreams, these medications will someday no longer be able to help me suppress how I know I really feel about my life. I’m so glad that now I can cope better and think a little clearer, but I know it won’t be forever. One day I’ll awake and realize what a huge disappointment I am to myself if I don’t do what I know I was created to do. If I don’t follow my dreams and at least try, I’ll spend my life wondering what if, and THAT will truly be the end of my contentment. I will resent myself forever.
So it is, the juggling of my emotions, responsibilities and dreams all up in the air. Where this journey might take me, I don’t know. Since I’m equipped to better manage my emotions and thoughts (for now at least), I’ll use the time I have wisely to begin another journey in which I follow my dreams.
jeangreysays 