Stronger Than Me

I look in the mirror and suddenly it’s clear to me. The person staring back is stronger than the person I used to be. I’ve overcome so many hardships in my life it’s amazing to know I made it out alive. But where would I be without my loved ones doting on me, lifting me up, pulling me back from what really felt like the depths of hell. I wonder all the time what my life would be like had I made different choices, if I had continued toward a drug fueled hysteria brought on by my insecurities.

Today, I feel like I have a purpose. I’ve gotten into perfume making and apothecary sprays meant to help calm and soothe. They’ve been a great help for me personally and I can’t wait to help others with my products!

9 Months Later

So  9 months have passed since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I wish I could’ve tracked my progress (or possible regression) a little better. I don’t know why I haven’t touched a keyboard in so long… maybe apart of me was scared to see exactly what would come out of being so openly blatant with myself. I often am too honest with myself whenever I write. Is there such a thing as being too honest? Are there some things I need to conceal from myself in order to not go back to that dark place I was in just a few months ago?

Anyways… Here’s where I am now. I’m sitting at a desk in a corporate office job. It’s quite possibly the best corporate job I’ve ever had. I actually enjoy getting up every morning. Or could it be the meds I’m on numbing my sensitivity to how I really feel about sitting at a desk 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, to earn a paycheck in order to sustain a way of life I honestly couldn’t give two shits about? I mean in my head it all makes sense. I SHOULD be angry I’m not aspiring to what I want to be. It should crush my soul as it always has. In my head it does hurt, but the way I feel is sort of just… okay. I don’t feel the immense amount of anxiety and confusion I once felt before being medicated. Even sitting here writing this, reminding myself of all the things I was supposed to do but never did doesn’t really phase me anymore. Am I just growing up or am I just being sedated enough to get through something I’d never in a million years want, or even choose for myself?

Where does it stop and where does it begin? This toxic cycle of “this is the standard, I must being doing the right thing” and “this is the standard but following it does not satisfy my soul. I won’t do it.”

I guess I’m still battling the same demons I’ve been battling. I’m just a little less emotional and more analytical. Is this what feeling normal is like? I think I’m okay with that. But now the real question is, will I follow through with something I’ve always wanted to do with my life, or will I stay in a place where I’m kind of just “okay” with how things are? I know and feel deep in my heart that if I don’t chase after my dreams, these medications will someday no longer be able to help me suppress how I know I really feel about my life. I’m so glad that now I can cope better and think a little clearer, but I know it won’t be forever. One day I’ll awake and realize what a huge disappointment I am to myself if I don’t do what I know I was created to do. If I don’t follow my dreams and at least try, I’ll spend my life wondering what if, and THAT will truly be the end of my contentment. I will resent myself forever.

So it is, the juggling of my emotions, responsibilities and dreams all up in the air. Where this journey might take me, I don’t know. Since I’m equipped to better manage my emotions and thoughts (for now at least), I’ll use the time I have wisely to begin another journey in which I follow my dreams.

 

 

 

Depression is a Trip

Loved this

Bound

The moment I heard his voice suddenly the sky opened up and showed me an entity my eyes fixated on, time stopped. He permeated through my body piercing my heart and soul. Passing through creating a cathartic phenomenon within me inexplicably intertwining our stardust complex, so divine. 

Xo,

JG

All Love Lost

Have you ever had someone come into your life and for a moment you can’t breathe? You lose all control of your thoughts, you sweat, and your heart feels the size of a melon at the rate it’s beating and pumping blood. Then suddenly they’re gone and you’re left picking up all the pieces you wanted nothing to do with it in the first place. Then you resent the idea of love and of having a heart. You wish that person had never come into your life because they left you in such a broken state. You hate them for it but at the same time you want them to come back and tell you they’ve been a fool and want to ease the aching in your heart. But that doesn’t happen in reality. You’ll always be left picking up the pieces. You’ll always have to let time pass in order to lose that aching in your heart. All the time it takes to have that pain pass, and then one day he just shows up at your door again. What am I to do then? All of the feelings come rushing back and suddenly I’m left standing there falling in love all over again. In that moment, you can never predict what will happen next. You either let it play out or you turn your back on the person who turned their back on you. Or you could just never pick up the phone and answer the calls. You could just do nothing at all, because the possibility of feeling that pain could kill you.

yours forever,

J

Day 5 -Two Weeks

Today I’m feeling better than I have been in awhile. I’m going to see therapist weekly and he’s putting me on new meds. We’re very optimistic that this new medication along with therapy will be just what I need to get on the road to recovery. I’ve been on these new anti-psychotics for about a week now and I’m slowly seeing a change. My thoughts no longer race and I haven’t had a manic episode. Things are looking up.

It’s a gloomy day today. Usually gloomy days fill me with a sense of hopelessness but today… It’s just a gloomy day and all I want to do is drink hot cocoa and watch movies. Is this what it feels like to be normal? I don’t know what normal is… but whatever is happening here seems to be keeping me stable. Or am I becoming numb? When you’ve gone so long being ill and being an emotional wreck with erratic and impulsive behavior… It’s hard to tell what normal is because you’ve never known normal.

I’m just trying to hang on. I’m trying to be optimistic.

Yours truly,

J

Day 4 – Feeling so small

Just when I think I’m getting back on me feet, I fall back into the worst habit I’ve ever had. This is the only way I feel I can fully atone for my wrong doings. As the river of blood flows down my arm, mistakes I’ve made that I cleanse my body of are set free. The pain is a small price to pay… Because when the river finally runs dry, I’m able to breathe again. 

Someone please help me. Tell me it gets better. I hate hurting the ones I love when that was never my intention at all. No matter what I do, and what good intentions I have, to some people I’ll always be what I was and not who I’m becoming. 

I wish I could erase my past. Who I was is not who I am today. But it seems the hardest habit to kick that I’m still left battling… Is the one in which I constantly feel the need to punish myself. In my head I hear “you chose to make those mistakes. You can’t blame people for thinking you’re still anything other than what they’ve known you as. It’s all your fault. You need to atone for your mistakes. So bleed. Feel the pain that you’ve afflicted upon others.”

I take a step forward, and then two steps back. 

Someone please save me from myself.  

Animal Therapy

  

Hoping this little big ray of sunshine helps me on my road to recovery. I’ve read many articles indicating that dogs in particular have evolved to become attuned to humans. The dogs gauge our emotional state and react accordingly. Caring for a dog can dramatically improve not only physical but also mental health. It seems the benefits of having a canine companion outweighs those who argue that dogs are high maintenance and are a stress to take care of. I feel the bond between canine and human is something particularly special. There’s just something about an animal companion that eases the blows that life tends to throw at us. It’s easy to see why all of this is true because coming home to this living thing that loves you unconditionally is definitely one of the best feelings in the world.

Day 2 – Somber State of Mind

My heart is heavy today… Hearing the news of the current situation in Paris makes me more anxious than ever. To imagine that each person dead was someone’s son, daughter, mother, father, and what have you makes me cherish the luxury I have waking up to my family everyday. It’s part of the human condition to forget and take the ones we love for granted. We often don’t realize how lucky we are until that luxury we so immodestly refuse to understand the importance of is taken from us. I too have experienced so much within this year. From the loss of two of some of the most important people in my life to the personal internal conflicts I battle on my own.

Each day I realize more and more that these are unfortunate circumstances in which we are all somehow affected by in one way or another. Opinion is subjective but the pain we feel in our hearts is one and the same. We love the same, we hurt the same. We should hurt from this very tragic event like those who are in the eye of the storm fighting for their lives. We need to put ourselves in the position of those being affected. Let it cause a fire in your heart that ignites the passion for loving and living, because one thing is certain, and that is we are never sure how much time we have left here on this earth. Take a breath and appreciate the air in your lungs. Enjoy the gusts of wind blowing on your face. Hold the ones you love tightly each day as if it were the last. Every moment is precious and its very sad that tragedies like this must happen in order to remind us of how precious life really is. If tragedy is what is going to define when one is going to show affection, carry that tragedy in the back of your mind each day, so that not a day goes by where one doesn’t thank the powers that be for even allowing us another moment to live and feel the warmth of that loved ones embrace.

Today I made real progress in my ability to process emotions. My inability to feel a real attachment to this life is being succumbed by the thought of losing the ones I love. They are the key to my recovery. Love really is a powerful thing.

Say a prayer for the fallen. Pray for this world!

Day 1

I can’t really say this is day one of my journey to recovery. I’ve been battling something I can’t seem to wrap my mind around for so long I’ve lost count of the days. So I’m starting here. This is my day 1.

How can I even begin to describe how I feel. It’s difficult to even say when this monster inside me took over. It’s as if I’ve lost who I once was before and became something the happy little girl holding her mother and father’s hands had never expected to become when she got older. I can still see her. Smiling. Unknowingly living each day with every bit of happiness slowly fading away with each passing day. The radiant smile that once lit up the room is now dimmed by feelings of sadness and emptiness.

It’s like a sort of death. That little girl is dead. I’m this empty shell with a sense of hopelessness that I constantly succumb to. Where did my light go? When did I lose my way?

Everyday I force the smile and laughs I need to keep everyone from worrying about my mental state of mind, but when night falls, that’s when the demons come out to play. That’s when I sit alone in my room reevaluating my existence and all the mistakes I’ve made. And I just cry. Every single night.

I don’t know how to get up and try when I feel so much pain. It’s like someone has their hands around my neck and is slowly suffocating me. The grip keeps getting tighter. I just want it all to end. I want the veil to be lifted and I want to breathe again.